The Scum Report: September 7th, 2007

by Paul William Tenny

It's good to have a regular or semi-regular series of articles, I'm told. Brings people back for something they like, if they like it at all. I try to do a post every Friday and Monday that report films are opening in the theaters that weekend, and the results of said opening. Those are called Theater Watch and Box Office Booty, in case you're interested.

I don't like reading tabloid news about celebrities being irresponsible and loathsome retards, and I like the idea of writing about them even less, which is why I'm going to read about them and write about them. Nothing regular, but not so irregular that you can't get a fix off it. Not interested? Don't read my friend. I won't blame you a bit.

Please God, No..
My first thought when I read that Paris Hilton wants to have kids is the subtitle of this report. My second thought was something along the lines of god damn, how cool would it be to be born into that kind of money? My third thought was god damn, how much would it suck to be Britney Spears kid?

All the money in the world cannot make up for having bad parents, and I couldn't think of two worse parents than Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, perhaps besides Lindsay Lohan. Don't get me wrong, I still hold out hope for Lohan and Paris is probably a very sweet girl, and the two are smokin hot, no doubt about that. Spears on the other hand, ignoring the bald thing, scares the living hell out of me. I'm thinking her next lover might want to wear some type of titanium protection to avoid a Lorena Bobbit moment.

So what does Paris want to name her first child? How about London. No, I'm not kidding.
Linday Lohan's Dad is Still Sueing CTU
I still seem to be the only person to have made this joke, oh well. Apparently Lindsay Lohan's father visited her in rehab, which personally I think is probably a bad idea since he just got out of prison for a DUI himself. Real good influence you've been on your kid there, Michael. Lohan apparently has hooked up in rehab, which is always a fantastic idea. I know if I was a drug addict and booze hound, the best thing to have in my life is a drunk father and a drunk boyfriend.

If and when she cleans up, I'll be happy to stop throwing stones though. I actually feel bad when I think about people that have substance abuse problems. Life can be a real bastard sometimes.

Hot Naked Chicks on Disney
Man, what else is there even to say? Vanessa Hudgens took some racy pics of herself, sent them to her boyfriend, and wouldn't ya know it, they ended up spread all over the darn Internets. Who would have thunk it?

Well, actually, I've been thinking about it for the past half hour since they are fairly easy to dig up. (Hint: try Google's blog search engine.) I've come to the conclusion that Disney really sucks and should just lighten up. Nobody is going to stop watching their movies or TV shows because a young girl in one of their movies trusted some douche bag not to be a douche bag, only to have him turn out to be one of the five billion douche bags that live on this planet for no other purpose than to be the biggest and best douche bags they can be.

This is the technology age for crying out loud, can we please tell the sexually repressed old white guys running Disney to get laid, or at the very least stop ruining the party for the rest of us? Nudity is not the end of the world, fellas.

Rita Cosby is Getting Sued
Remember the obsessively annoying Rita Cosby? The woman who had an hour-long show on MSNBC for a while, then got shoved to "roving reporter" status? I thought she was cute, but that voice curdles milk, man. Apparently she wrote a book where she alleged that Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern are gay, and got busted on video doing the nasty.

That's news to me, and frankly I couldn't care less even if it is true. This is only newsworthy if you've got a problem with people being gay in the first place, so that's kind of telling about what Rita Cosby thinks of gays. Either way, that's some pretty low shit to pull no matter what  - their private lives have no bearing on anything other than Cosby looking for attention.

Congrats sister, ya got it.


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