The Scum Report: September 18th, 2007

by Paul William Tenny

Gimme the bacon, hold the O.J.
Thank god for O.J. Simpson, because the powers that be were threatening to smite me if I didn't rename this series to "The Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan report." Simpson, as you've undoubtedly heard, was involved in an alleged armed robbery involving what he claims was stolen sports memorabilia that belonged to him. His original accuser recanted, refused to press charges, and now claims he is on O.J.'s side.

In an obvious attempt to "look tough on crime" after Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie served less than one full month in jail for crimes other people would be serving half a year for, California police are going after Simpson with everything they've got. The family of Ron Goldman - people who have gone from the grieving family of a murder victim to disgusting ambulance chasers only interested in getting money - are demanding the sports items in question be handed over to them. Those people, I am sorry to say, have become truly pathetic people.
Raping children for fun and profit
CBS' universally loathed reality show Kid Nation debuts tomorrow night at 8PM. This is the series where CBS producers took a large group of kids, and put them in charge of an abandoned town completely devoid of adult supervision to see how they'd react and if they'd be able to govern. I've heard reports that one or more kids were physically injured during production and that this fact was hidden from the networks board of directors.

Additionally, we now know that advanced copies of the show weren't just withheld from the press, they were also withheld from the board, forcing them to watch it Wednesday night along with the rest of us. But don't fret, CBS did screen early copies of Kid Nation for in a number of elementary schools across the nation.

Well played, you sick f***s.

According to a report on Countdown with Keith Olbermann (and this may have been a joke, but I don't believe it was) Fox after learning about Kid Nation put a new reality series into development where kids are split into two groups and tasked with designing war plans to...well, destroy each other I guess.

Lohan quits
My favorite source for tabloid junk, says that Lindsay Lohan is quitting the movie business, which she blames for her drug addiction and alcohol problems. Wow, is that girl in for a surprise if she thinks drug addition is going to simply vanish just because she quit ruining other peoples movies.

Wait, only one person?!
This wouldn't be a scummy report without mentioning the once-sweet and now train wreck Britney Spears. Apparently after the girls disastrous VMA performance, she was dumped by her manager Jeff Kwatinetz. As the article says, this happened right after her lawyer quit the custody fight with Keven Federline, whom apparently somebody wants dead. My only question is how is it only one person wants to stuff K-Fed in a dumpster?

America manufactures babies too, you know..
Brad Pitt is joking about adding another three mouths to their growing family, which is really strange since neither Pit nor Jolie have the guts to commit to each other in marriage, yet both seem to have no problem buying kids like they were designer shoes.

Jumping on the buy-a-foreign-child bandwagon fad, one I find especially horrible, Mary-Louise Parker bought a baby girl from Africa, because it's just so damn hard to find kids to adopt in this country these days.


That's enough scum for now, enjoy.


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